What to do when you can do anything (but you are a parent too)?

Believing that I can do anything is my main problem!

I have the inbuilt belief that any person is capable of doing anything if they only choose to follow that path. Because whenever I chose to do something, I was capable, mostly in my determination and belief that anything is possible when you put in enough of hard work.

But this kind of belief had a terrible flaw. If I believed that I can do anything and it didn’t work out, I found self-criticising myself for a lack of grit. And it would get me down, leaving me unable to move forward, falling apart, and choosing not to do anything at all. Because it’s easier not to strive for things. 

My husband particularly hates that idea of being able to achieve anything, and he always argues that he couldn’t be a race car driver or an astronaut, because he is already too old for that, and I always have to ask, if he really wants it so bad? Because if he does, even being a hobbyist at something would get him closer to the feeling of doing it, so it’s mostly the lack of actually being passionate about all those ideas that stops people from achieving their greatest potential. Because even if we can be anything we choose at any age, we need to actually want it, not because of the media around us and some enchantment with somebody else’s life but actually imagining ourselves living that life and loving it. Now, there is no guarantee that what we choose to do now we will like it next year (good book to read about it is Daniel Gilbert’s “Stumbling on Happiness”), but I would rather try than wonder for the rest of my life. 

The art of choosing what is right for us

And here comes another problem. I try so many things and I do like most of them. But how do I actually choose to stick with something till the end? Because I do like making vector art, I like building websites, I like writing, I like marketing, I like coding, I have ideas about publishing low content books, publishing my own finished and unfinished books, selling graphics online, selling my services to customers, focusing on writing my books…

Well, you get the picture.

I can’t possibly be all that, I am just a human being, and foremost a wife and a mum. I need expressing myself, but my kids need me more than I need to climb the Maslow’s pyramid.

So how do I find fulfilment in all that I am and I like all the while giving it all away? Is this the reason why we don’t have so many successful women in our history of human civilisation? Because being a mum takes out of us the self and places it behind the kids? Because by trying to be the MUM and the ME tears my soul apart. Is that why most of mum entrepreneurs work from home and often choose a market that is dedicated to children or other mums because it somehow helps their souls stay glued for longer?

The belief that I can do anything doesn’t go away, but suddenly the burnout follows. And because this is a grind until you die culture, we are being superheroes through the sleepless nights, because kids need us at daytime, and because WE CAN!

But what if we actually can’t?

Acknowledge and accept it. Ignore the messages from those who don’t live your life and listen to your own message. 

Today, I am a mum, kids grow up fast.

OR

Today it is ok if I won’t give my 100% attention to my kids, because they got it yesterday and they will have it tomorrow, I am important too, this is important for me to stay sane. If they don’t understand it, it’s about time they learn that mum is not here to serve them but to love them and help them grow happy and safe (as long as it is actually safe for them, because babies do require our 100%). 

Give yourself a moment of peace by asking – what is it that I really want? Because you can do anything if you put in the effort so let’s ignore all those Ikigais and “good at it” for now.

What is it that you really want?

Sometimes it can be that all you want is to be a mum for as long as your kids need you. Sometimes it can be that you want to become a doctor. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are too old for anything, there is no such thing in our today’s society. Sometimes you just want to […insert your dream here].

The trick is to allow yourself to be a multipotentialite. We sometimes think that being a mum or dad is so natural that we shouldn’t consider it as a discipline. But if it was a natural thing to do, our societies wouldn’t have psychologically, sometimes even physically, damaged kids and adults because of a terrible parenting.

Allow yourself to be a mum and a […] whatever you choose you want the most now. Don’t think that being Jack of All trades is an insult, take it proudly and ship that work (read more in Seth Godin’s “The Practice”), even mediocre is better than preparing dinner and dreaming of that perfect moment to create that perfect thing you were longing to do for too long. Five minutes a day, just like that drop of water on the rock, will chip in the right direction faster than no action at all. Don’t try to be perfect, but work on something that actually fully excites you.

I like vector art, sometimes it’s kind of like a meditation for me, but also most of the times I find it boring and choose to do it when I am watching something on TV. I liked marketing and I liked it so much that I invested 10 years of my life building a career, but found myself lost at where I was going, because I only LIKED IT.

How to determine if we just LIKE something or we actually WANT IT?

That’s a tough cookie. I spent the last two years soul searching (I had plenty of time while breastfeeding or just plainly loving and holding my baby), and I found so many new things about myself that were caused by inertia.

I stopped and thought. 

I know not all of us have that pleasure of stopping for a moment to think but I do urge to actually look at where we have been and where we have come and think if this is the place we were headed? I didn’t know where I was going, because I didn’t think too much when I started. I had dreams here and there but clearly they weren’t strong enough for me to pursue them, or maybe I didn’t have a strong personality to do it? It got me to be 36 to actually look and think. Because I was always all over the place, always wanting so many things all at once, I thought that one way or another it will all happen. But things don’t just happen, they need to be intentional.

If we let it flow, how can we know where we will end up? 

A lot of inspirational books have this “You can do this!” mindset that most of the times lingers around the hidden thought of “You just don’t want it enough, that’s it, so if you don’t listen to what I have to say it’s on you.” Well, I often look into the author’s personal life and find that either they don’t have kids or they have a main carer that does everything for them while they have their walks to relax and think about life or shut the door and get things done. These things usually leave me thinking “It’s easy for you to say” and also not following with the advice, because what could they know about the life I am living with husband who works 6 days a week, 10 hours a day and two needy kids, with our immediate family left 15.000 kilometres away, and still trying to build myself into a respectable person.

All I can say is, “it gets better”. No, really! Kids do grow up. It’s hard to believe it when you are breastfeeding for the 10th time during the night and it’s still not enough. But these major events do go away. Don’t push the things that you can’t lift. We are taught to go against all odds, and it’s a good idea until you have a screaming baby who just wouldn’t latch. Love yourself and know that sometimes just being where you are is enough for now. Love it now, not tomorrow when you are only left to remember all those giggles.

Remember yourself loving them too.

Stop trying to convince everyone of your power. Also, advice to myself and others…

This is not a competition. Being talented at multiple things is great. Being great at all of them is madness. And you can always say to yourself:

“I don’t have to do everything.

I don’t have to be good at everything.

I can pick and choose.

I have no right to be my biggest judge because I am not objective enough.

If I haven’t done a real crime, no one can judge me too.”

Stop wanting to be everything for everyone and also the best. It’s a road straight to mental institution. Ask yourself – why do I need this? Why do I want to be that person? If there is no good reason – scrap it.

Here you go, one less thing to worry about.

Just be honest with yourself. You definitely don’t have to do everything that catches your attention. Some things are better left for others to do. Also, one very personal and very important thing to notice – don’t sabotage yourself by hiding your true passions under all the other attractions just out of fear of failure!

I hope I can listen better to this advice the next time I see a shiny new object and decide to add it to my skills list.

I wrote this blog post a year ago and left it to wait for a better future, which as so often happens didn’t come. It’s all up to us to sit down and do the job. So when Ukraine invasion happened; me, just like a lot of people I know, got scared. And all I could think about was – what’s the point? All my ideas, my books, all the things that I have written – what’s the point if there is a war? But then I also realised how lucky I am not to be in the middle of those horrible things. I am given a chance to do so many more things I want to do, and I shouldn’t be wasting my time to doubt. So if only doubt is holding you back, you should know – no one can do the things that only you can, however minor they seem to you, for someone they might be an inspiration one day – maybe for your own kids who will look at your “minor” things and wonder how you managed to do it all while raising them too.

Thank you for reading. Be what you want in your heart to be, and be a parent too.